I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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