it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
