i jhust puked up my retainher.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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