I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
