She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
