There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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