I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
