i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
