just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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