I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
