guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
