Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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