i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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