her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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