the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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