End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
