making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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