On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize