Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
