woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
