just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize