My liver just broke up with me...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
