What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
