Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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