I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
