when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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