I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
