we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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