Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They took my balls.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
