i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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