god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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