Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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