That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
