She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
