I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
