i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
