i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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