Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
