I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
