i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
