That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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