all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
