apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You had me at "let me see your balls"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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