I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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