Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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