then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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