Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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