Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
