Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail