Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
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If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
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Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button