I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE