I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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