dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
