Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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