so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
