Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How's work?
Spinning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
